One Thing
by Abi2
Summary: There's always one thing that sets us off. Sets us apart. Sets us on a path of selfdestruction. Oneshot


The young man sat at the table, eyes downcast, staring at the paper in front of him on the table. His foot tapped a rythym on the floor beneath the table as his headphones pulsed music in his ears. Every now and again he would look up, watching the people as they walked past the small coffee shop. He sighed, the hand not holding the pen, his right, running through his chestnut bangs. The rest of his hair, once a pride and joy, now resided in a ponytail that reached just under his shoulderblades. He silently mourned the loss once more. Saddness settled into him, a constant playmate as of late.

And the only thing he had known these last two years.

-------------------

_It starts with _

_One Thing_

-------------------

He stooped over, grabbing the bag from beside the chair he sat in. He winced as he dragged it up onto the table, pausing in his motions to let the muscle spasm pass. The bag thunked lightly as it hit the table, belying the weight of the rather small bag. He pulled out a small folder, and opened it to put the paper from the table into the pocket. He put his bag back together and finished the small cup of coffee next to him on the table. It was long cold, but he was never one to waste something to do with food.

When you grew up hungry, you never wasted food.

He pushed back the chair and slowly stood up, waiting for a moment to see if another spasm would make him sit down again. It appeared to be fine. He smiled, a sad, echo of his former smile. He waved goodbye to the staff of the coffee shop, smiling as they called out their goodbyes.

"Goodbye Sol!"

"'Bye Sol, see you tomorrow?"

"Same time, same place. As always Jim." Was the soft reply.

-------------------

_I don't know why_

_It doesn't even matter how hard you try_

-------------------

He slowly walked down the street, head up, eyes open, but seeing only into the past. His senses were active, just as they had been during the war. But that was a part of his life that he preffered not to think about. Because with thoughts of the war came thoughts of Heero. And those were the thoughts that hurt the most. Those were the thoughts that made him question his continued existance.

-------------------

_Keep that in mind_

-------------------

And also with thoughts of the war, came thoughts of old, ruined friendships. Could they really be called friendships? They never really were friends, they were more of contemporaries, allies. And at the end of the wars, they just started to drift apart. Quatre went back to L4 to take over his father's company, with Trowa following. Trowa still travelled with the Circus, and saw Cathy, but he stayed most of the time with his lover.

-------------------

_I designed this rhyme_

_To explain in due time_

-------------------

Wu Fei joined the Preventers, and, at last check, was courting the beautiful Sally Po.

They would be nice together, if they ever stopped arguing.

He smiled at this. And even Heero... Heero had joined the Preventers after dissapearing for a year. One agonizing, horrible year. Fearing him dead, yet knowing that he could certainly take care of himself. He came back, and when he did, he was changed.

-------------------

_All I know_

-------------------

He wasn't totally reformed, but he talked. He smiled. He even laughed once in a while. He was still the Perfect Soldier, Mr. I-Self-Destruct-For-Kicks-Yuy, and had a top rank and was a top field agent.

And it killed him, because he had tried so hard to get Heero to live. And every time Heero threatened him, ignored him, or even hit him, he died a bit more. Was it really worth his life to get the man he loved to love him back?

-------------------

_Time is a valuable thing_

-------------------

Yes. With every fiber of his pathetic, worthless life.

-------------------

_Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings_

-------------------

Yes, his life was worthless. Yes, he had helped save the Planet, and had been a major figure in the war. But every second of his life, before, during, and after the war, he knew the truth.

He was expendable.

He was nothing, a worthless street-brat. A soldier is only worth as much as his rank. Take away that life, and his worth is nothing.

He is nothing.

-------------------

_Watch it count down to the end of the day_

_The clock ticks life away_

-------------------

Maybe Heero figured that out. Maybe he decided to be more than the soldier he once was, but Duo never had a chance.

To come from nothing, you understand the meaning of your life. Live, die. Sometimes the latter was the better choice. And that would have been the one he chose, if not for his damnable concience. That niggling little voice that said death was too good for a demon like him. Maybe that was true, because death had taken everybody. And repeatedly skipped him.

-------------------

_It's so unreal_

-------------------

He could almost taste his death, a slow metallic taste from somewhere in his mouth. A fine wine could never compare to the delicacy of the taste of one's own death. An abortive attempt of death, actually. He only tried to see if he really was the Master of Death, or if Death was his Master.

Death, apparently, had better things to do with it's time.

He was so worthless as to be looked over by death. A speciality that meant nothing to him.

But Pain... Pain was a mistress who lovingly doted upon her favorite son. She never let him alone, always wrapping her arms around him, keeping him safe and warm and loved in her embrace.

Even without his commrades, even without his life, he was never alone, for Pain was onipresent. Always there, waiting for him.

Without a thought, without a care.

He looked up, really seeing life. He could see the lights of the traffic signals, hear the rush of the cars, the whirring of electronics everywhere.

And he could hear the cocking of the gun, that subtle clicking sound he was so intimately familiar with. The sound that told him that someone here was about to die.

-------------------

_Didn't look out below_

-------------------

His bag dropped to the ground with the thud of heaviness. A gun was in his hands as he looked for the shooter.

Up there, that flash of light, a reflection from the glass of the lens. A split second spent trying to find the figure targeted in the street.

There.

The man in the expensive suit, with the two men in front, and two in the back.

Bodyguards, ones that obviously weren't that well trained. They turned at the sound of his bag dropping, and at the sound of screams from bystanders as they saw the gun exposed. His shot was taken before they could react, and another two shots were heard.

One guard down, holding a hand to the gaping hole in his leg.

One young man down, gasping around the hole in his chest.

-------------------

_Watch the time go right out the window._

-------------------

Pain, his ever present mistress, was leaving him, leaving him to his God.

He wasn't being abandoned so much as mercifully blessed for one pristine moment.

But Master Death had other plans. His favorite plaything, his favorite lamb was on his table, about to be sacrificed to him. But he would not let him be. He was not a merciful God, and that was what made this all the more entertaining.

There was nothing merciful in his continued reluctance to accept this man into his loving arms. There was only the entertainment.

The one person who loved him most, was the one person he would spare from his embrace. Noothing would go against this claim. For Death was all powerful, all fell to him, at one time or another.

-------------------

_Trying to hold on_

-------------------

The sharpshooter was dead, bullet through his skull. The guard was unconcious from blood loss, but the young man, identified as Solo Maxwell by some bystanders, was still gasping.

Still, miraculously, alive.

-------------------

_But you didn't even know_

-------------------

He was lucid for the entire trip to the hospital, grimacing in pain. The bullet had amazingly missed anything vital, but the blood loss might be fatal if not staunched quickly.

Did he have anyone to call?

Who where his next-of-kin?

He laughed.

-------------------

_I wasted it all_

_Just to watch you go_

-------------------

No, he had no one to call. He had no next of kin. He lived alone. His family was all dead. Check his file. He finally embraced his pain, succumbing to the darkness of unconciousness.

He found himself back at the place he was two years ago.

-------------------

_Kept everything inside_

-------------------

He was laughing, god it had been forever since he had laughed so freely.

Heero was back. Heero was back! And now, with his Preventers job, they would be able to be friends again. Once more they would be allies, fighting to keep the peace that they had helped to obtain. But something was different about Heero.

But then again, what wasn't different about them all?

Wu Fei actually talked to women. Quatre was a cunning business man, with Trowa as his bodyguard (and lover, but not many people knew _that_ tidbit.). Noin and Zechs had gone to mars, and were going to come home a married couple. Even Une had calmed down.

Hell, he had changed, hadn't he? He was no longer the poor street-brat. He no longer was a theif, stealing to survive. He didn't kill people by the hundreds anymore.

He also never smiled. Never laughed.

He never lived.

And no one even noticed. And if they didn't notice that, then why would they notice that he wasn't coming to work anymore? Or that he wasn't talking all the time when they were around?

They didn't care.

And that was alright with him.

He didn't need anyone to notice. All he needed was his paycheck, which incedentally was getting smaller each time, I wonder why?

All he needed was... Everything he didn't have. He grew up in a gang, an orphanage. He _needed_ people. He couldn't survive on his own.

They were pushing him away and it was killing him.

They all had what they needed, and they didn't need the Jester, the annoying Duo.

And _he_ needed to know if Heero was okay. He had loved the boy wonder, and now that Heero was gone, it hurt. He knew that they would never get together, be the loving couple like Trowa and Quatre. WuFei and Sally.

Hell, they all had bets as to how long it would be before Heero came back and proposed to Relena. They all knew that the two were meant to be. Did you see the way that they looked at each other? They were so in love.

And now that he was back, those bets were running higher.  
But on the plus side, Duo's check was stabilizing. Anything to see Heero. Even if it hurt.

It wouldn't hurt much longer at his rate. He really needed to keep better tabs on his health.

-------------------

_And even though I tried_

-------------------

He had never been big, but he was supposed to be growing. The others had. But then again, they had been fed when they were younger. They had always teased him about eating so much, Duo the Human Vacuum. But in reality, his metabolism was so slow, he couldn't eat much without getting sick. That and his stomache was three times smaller than any of theirs.

The little things they never noticed.

Like how he never ate more than one serving, or on missions. He ate a lot of small snacks during the day, getting the nickname from that.

And now he hardly ate at all. With no one to tell him he was getting to be too thin, and no one to help him shop for real food, he was rapidly losing what little weight he had. Sally had told him, in his bi-monthly check up, that he needed to eat more, he was underweight, but hadn't told him how to do so.

"Eat two hamburgers a day and call me in a week" had never been part of the instructions.

So here he was, underweight, under nurished, and unnoticed.

Heero smiled at him.

Twice.

Wu Fei grunted when he ran into him, literally, in the halls.

Five times.

Trowa... Never talked.

Quatre called when he wasn't busy on L4, just to chat.

Three times.

A year and a half and he could count the times he'd actually talked to his so-called friends.

That's where he found out they weren't friends, merely allies, aquantiences. And that hurt the most.

He knew how to talk to people, knew how to steal them blind. Knew all the right corners to turn a trick, all the right places to make the most delicious sounds pour from a John's mouth.

But how to make friends?

Never had to learn that one. Allies, find people who wouldn't kill you while you slept? Yeah, he could do that, but on the streets, if you cared, they'd hurt you.

Solo.

Father Maxwell, Sister Helen.

The gang.

Everyone he loved died, or left.

Heero.

Trowa.

Quatre.

Wu Fei.

So he left. After three weeks of not showing up at work, not accepting the four phone calls he recieved, and not leaving his house, they found him.

He was asleep on the couch, barely moving. (That was how he slept, because when they think you're dead, they don't try to wake you up.) And was rudely awakened by two sets of hands shaking him and asking if he was awake.

"No shit! God, you people could try knocking! Sheesh."

"We did, but no one answered. We thought that you might have been..."

The unspoken word there was "dead". Ah, so it would have taken three weeks, fourteen hours, seven minutes of decomposition for them to notice he was dead.

"Good to know." He said, deadly quiet.

The two goons, not even his firends had cared enough to come see his dead body, had there been one.

-------------------

_It all fell apart_

-------------------

He got taken to the Preventers HQ for a health check up, and a therapy session. After the questions, (Where were you? Why did you not call? How do you feel?) he got fed up.

He yelled at the therapist.

Things he shouldn't have said.

"You stupid shit! You think that by asking me what my favorite color is, you can determine exactly why my friends never bothered to come see if I was even still alive? God, how stupid are you? I. Have. No one. Got it? I'm depressed, I'm stupid, and I'm hurting! But I'm not dead, so all's well that ends fucking well! "

He breathed heavily, starting to realize that his mouth had run away again, and that this time, he might not be able to talk his way out of it.

"Shit. All I meant was that I took a break. I've been overstressed the last couple of weeks, and now I'm better, and I'll be back at work."

"But, Mr. Maxwell, your physical examination shows a severe lack of nurishment. You are unable to care for yourself. You won't be at work tomorrow. Or the next day."

His confused look quickly gave way to shock, then a tightly closed anger.

"No way. I'm not crazy, or suicidal or anything. Give me some drugs, but you ARE NOT putting me away. No."

And suddenly he realized what he had to do.

He ran.

-------------------

_What it meant to me_

_Will eventually be_

_A memory_

-------------------

He leapt out of the chair, bolted down the hall, past startled co-workers, past security personel trying to stop him. He ran out onto the street, gasping for air in the bitter cold. He heard the heavy footfalls of running, and started his long run to the shuttle station. They'd already be at his place, so he couldn't even get his stuff back.

No real loss.

He heard a skittering behind him as he launched himself up a fire-escape in an alley. He was, after all, a natural escape artist.

He watched as the pursuers lost his trail, and after searching the alley, left to try elswhere. He dropped to the ground without so much as a noise, looking carefully all around him. He started to leave when he heard the voice behind him, ducking the hand that was reaching to touch him.

"Duo, why are you running? They only want to help."

Shit. Heero.

"Hey 'Ro. You actually came after me yourself? I'm impressed. Didn't know I ranked so high." His sarcasm hit the wall, Heero only staring at him.

"You were a Gundam Pilot. Only a few of us, Wu Fei or myself, would possibly be able to catch you." Heero deadpanned.

A harsh laugh.

"God Heero, will wonders never cease? I was using a thing called 'Sarcasm'. Look it up."

Heero only sighed.

"I know exactly what you said, but it makes no sense as to why you said it like that. Of course you rank high enough for one of us to go after you. You're a high level security threat." At least Heero had the sense to look sheepish after his comment.

Duo, however, was livid.

"God, that's all I am? A security threat? No one's going to 'help' me Heero. No one. It took three weeks for two goons to come see if I was even dead. Did you even notice I wasn't there? Or where you so busy making goo-goo eyes at your idiot Princess to notice? Not a one of you five even _called_ Heero. No one. I had four calls, all from telemarketers, or a bill company. What tipped you off that I wasn't coming to work? The fact that I wasn't there or the fact that my paycheck went uncollected? Tell me, Heero, what was it that made anyone come find me?"

"You had not checked in for several days. You have been known to leave without warning, but you always return within the week. Mike figured that you were on one of your little disappearing acts. It was normal."

"NORMAL! God, if anyone even missed a day of work and didn't call in, Une'd have their ass on a platter. No one even called. I could have been dead for all you knew, and no one even cared. This... this is what I mean to the world. Nothing. Can't you see? I'm Mr. Cellophane, I'm not even here."

"But you aren't dead."

"Maybe I am Heero. You wouldn't notice if I blew out my brains right here and now, would you? But I won't. I know that look Heero, the one where you're calculating what the chances are that I have a weapon, and whether or not you should shoot me to keep me safe from myself. No, I'm unfortunately without a gun." Duo snorted, picturing himself with an astonished look as Heero shothim to keep the gun in his hands from firing. What a picture.

"You need help Duo. The Duo I know wouldn't say things like that. Wouldn't threaten me with taking his own life."

"You have no idea who I am, do you? Do you think that I'm just always naturally so happy? No! God, who would be after shit like I've seen? Things like I've done? No one. I laughed to keep from breaking down. I laughed to forget the feeling of a John, to forget the feelings of utter hopelessness after every kill. I joked because if you guys were threatening me, or trying so hard to not listen to me, you couldn't think about your own problens. You self-destructed for a cause you believed in. I self-destructed every time I told a joke, every time I laughed for you guys, because I believed I could get you to love. To love like I did. But no. You left, and came back, a changed person. I still think that every moment spent with you was worth dying for. But it still hurts, that unrequited love. Do you know how that is? No, because you and your princess are perfect for each other. I wish you all the happines I never had, and never will have. Bye Heero." Duo tried to walk away, tried to feel strong after such an admission.

But the sight that greeted him as he turned to walk was one he hated. There, standing behind him was Wu Fei, looking disgusted. He knew that Wu Fei had never really approved of Trowa and Quatre's love, but never really thought of it past that. But here he was, proving his close-minded nature. And it hurt, more than anything, he had hoped to go without everyone knowing his innermost thoughts, but his Gods had abandoned him. And he was okay with that. He would be okay with whatever came next. Death, or life. It didn't matter now.

-------------------

_Of a time I tried so hard,_

_And got so far_

-------------------

He ran, dodging Wu Fei, out of the alley, down the street and almost to the station. He heard a screech behind him, the sound of tortured tires, brakes locking trying to stop in time.

He turned before he even realized it, reaching for the gun he didn't have, and franticly searching for his knives.

He wouldn't go without a fight.

But the sight that greeted him was far different form what he expected, a kid, out in the street, about to be obliterated by a sedan.

He never even thought about it.

_Thump_.

One heartbeat, he was running.

_Thump._

Two, he was almost there.

_Thump._

Three, he was grabbing the kid, turning his back to the car.

_Thump._

Four, he was shoving the kid to the sidewalk. His eyes following for a split second, landing on the figure running to catch up with him, tripping on the child as he grabbed it.

_Thump._

Sound returned, as did feeling, his tired muscled relaxing into the inevitable crash. The sould of his body as it hit, the solid thump of the hood crumpling, the crack of the windshield.

Screams.

And then, there was peace.

He was in silence, eyes open, watching the sky. It was so beautiful.

-------------------

_But in the end, it doesn't even matter_

-------------------

The blue of the Earth's sky, not the gray he had grown up with. The clouds, the air. There were faces now, blocking his view of the sky, but it didn't matter. He wouldn't need to see it to remember this precious moment of life.

He wouldn't die.

He knew it, somewhere past time, past consious thought, he knew it.

Feeling was starting to return, as his arms jerked, his muscled spasming. His legs kicked out, body flailing, trying to regain control.

Someone was there, holding his head, shouting to him, but he couldn't hear.

No recognition, no thoughts. Just the thought of "I'm trapped in this moment. I'll never forget this moment."

He was utterly powerless against his body.

He was swimming in his head, reaching for the faces, trying desperately to understand the commands given.

-------------------

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

-------------------

He started to hear again, the pressure he realized he was feeling in his ears was lessening, the blood not pounding as hard anymore.

"-uo. Can you more you arms? Blink if you can hear me."

Heero.

Blink.

Blink.

_Thump._

Feel your heart beat again. Revel in it.

A sigh of relief from the people around you.

"We thought we had lost you."

Confusion. Wu Fei? He wasn't supposed to care.

_Thump. Thump._

It was in the past. It didn't matter now.

The screams of sirens, the howling of the child and mother.

His head turned to the side before Heero could stabilize it once more, keeping him from further damaging anything in his spine.

He saw the mother, holding tight to the screaming child, holding on. He tried to smile, but his muscles were not his own yet.

-------------------

_But in the end,_

_It doesn't even matter_

-------------------

His head was straigtened, and the paramedics collared him. He could feel the IV needle, and felt the gurney beneath him. The hand touching his, the eyes that held nothing for him, only concern for an injured collegue.

He smiled this time.

"Bye Hrro. Dsn't mattr. Lve you."

And it was black.

-------------------

_One thing_

_I don't know why_

_It doesn't even matter how hard you try_

-------------------

He was in the hospital for eight weeks, and they had had to cut his hair, something he never really got over. But in the end, he supposed it had helped him in the long run. Literally. He ran.

Only two people had come to see him, Hilde, and Trowa. Hilde had come to tell him how things were on L2, where she and Andy, her husband, were helping to rebuild and stop the severe poverty. She was going to have a baby in a few months. Wasn't that just great!

Yeah.

Perfect.

Trowa had been less chatty.

"Quatre sends his love, he couldn't be here due to a business meeting, but he wishes you luck in healing.

Thanks, a sarcastic eye roll.

"I'm sorry."

And he left. No explanation. He was weird like that.

Une sent a letter, stating her "sorrow" that he was injured, and that he was expected to report to her when he was all healed up. Make sure you bring a change of clothes and a toothbrush, cause they'll be packing you off to the looney bin.

And then, a week before his scheduled release date, the woman and child came to see him.

"I'm so sorry," the woman had whispered. "He just... He ran away from me. Thank you so much. I don't know what... what I would have done if..."

And she started sobbing quietly. The kid, Jeremy, looked at him, and just hugged him.

No questions, no talking.

Kids can understand the most sometimes.

Two days later, Heero and Relena announced their engagement.

That was the last straw.

-------------------

_Keep that in mind_

_I designed this rhyme_

_To remind myself_

_How I tried so hard_

-------------------

He woke up in the hospital, two days after the incident with the shooter.

The first thing he realized was that he was not alone, and that the other person was asleep.

There were cards, and bears littering the bedside table, all made out to Sol, from all his friends at the coffee shop, and from the bakery down the street.

The person in the chair was none other than the business man he had saved.

Dark brown hair, tanned skin, and sharp features. He was handsome, as far as his sleeping profile offered. Duo was ready to call for a nurse to come give him the release papers when the man woke up.

He looked around grogily, and settled his eyes on the occupant of the bed.

"Why, if it isn't Mr. Maxwell. How are you feeling?" No snideness, genuine, honest-to-God caring. He actually wanted to know how he was.

"A little groggy, but ready to go home now. Who are you?"

"Malone, James Malone." James looked as if Duo was supposed to know who he was.

"Sorry, I'm not familiar with your name. Why would anyone want you dead, by the way?" He decided to cut the crap and get to what he needed to know so that he could leave and dissapear again. Before they found him.

"I'm a lawyer, and I represent several high class cases. Any one of my clients could have enimes who want to eliminate any opposition."

"Okay. Well, that's all peachy, but I'm going to go now. Thanks for the info, now bye." He tried to sit up, wincing as Lady Pain made herself his mistress again.

"You can't. The Preventers have--" He never finished as a hand clapped over his mouth. The boy moved faster than he had anticipated, even injured as he was.

"Shhh... I don't want to know.I don't care what the fucking Preventers want. They can blow me for all I care. I'm leaving."

And the hand was gone, pulling out IV's, and detatching various instruments as he turned them off. He looked around, searching for something to wear, rubbing at his new wound.

"They said you might do this, and so they took your clothing."

"Damn. Well, that just makes this harder." He sat down, sighing into his pillow.

"I'm to old for this shit." Mr. Malone just laughed.

"You can't be more than twenty, how are you to old for this?"

"I'm older than you think. Maybe I'm only twenty to you, but inside, I'm older than most eighty-year-olds. I've seen to much to be young." He sighed. This was his problem. He shared too much when it wasn't necessary.

-------------------

_In spite of the way you were mocking me_

-------------------

James looked perplexed.

"Why are the Preventers waiting for you outside? What have you done that's so horrible to make you so old, at such an age?"

Duo looked at him, eyes flat, voice soft.

"Unimaginable things."

And he was up again. Looking for a way out. Anything to get him away from Une. From Heero. From them all.

"Look, Une's gonna kick me from here to L4 and back if she gets hold of me. You gonna help me get out of here, or are you going to hinder my progress, and make me do nasty things to your person?" A feral grin, edged in pain.

Just as James was about to call for the Preventers waiting out in the hall, the young man fell with a bitten back scream.

James jumped up, running over to the fallen boy.

"Mr. Maxwell! Solo! What's wrong?" He didn't shout, not wanting to give away theat the boy was awake just yet, for some reason.

"N-not Solo. Solo's Dead. M'name's Duo. Solo's Kid." He laughed. "Not his- "he hissed in pain, "his real kid, but he called me Kid. He found me. Lucky bastard, he's dead."

His eyes weren't focused as he tried to get past the pain.

'They're all dead. Bastard won't let me die. Nope. Won't let his Shinigami fall. No... Kills everyone but me..." He kept on like that for a minute, slowly hushing to nothing.

He sighed.

"God, that hurt." He tried to sit up again, but James kept him in place.

"What was that? Who are you? Why do the Preventers want you so bad?"

"Ah... My name's Duo Maxwell. Former terrorist-turned-preventer-turned escapee. I was a Gundam Piolot, but then after some shit at Preventer's HQ, I got 'lost' and stayed lost." He sighed again.

"And that was a spasm, not quite a seizure. I get them from time to time. I was pretty messed up once, and there was lasting nerve damage, so now I get periodic spasms in different parts of my body. Sucks to be me, huh?"

He smiled.

"Yeah, it does suck to be you. What'll happen if they get you?"

"Who knows. Maybe they'll let me go on living like I have, under the radar, out of sight. Or maybe they'll lock me up in jail or the loony bin. 'S all up to Une. And she hates me, they all do. I have no delusions about them letting me stay here. If I leave, maybe I can get out of the country before they find me again."

He looked thoughtful for a moment.

-------------------

_Acting like I was part of your property_

-------------------

He was lost in his past, lost in all the fighting, the hiding.

-------------------

_Remembering all those times you've fought with me_

_I'm suprised it got so far_

-------------------

"Maybe I should just stop fighting it. Maybe this is what he's been waiting for."

"Who's been waiting for what?" James asked, startled, confused and a little scared.

"Shi no Kami. Shinigami. The Grim Reaper. Death. He's been waiting to take me. Watching, laughing at me, pulling strings, and killing everyone I've ever really cared about. And now, I think I understand why. He wants me to suffer. To be humiliated. I am only here as entertainment. Nothing more. I never was anything more." He trailed off, looking for all the world like a blind man given sight. He nodded slightly, as though listening to someone.

"That's it then. I'll go. It's time to end this charade called life. It's been nothing but a play, no more than a scripted show. God, why couldn't I see it sooner? It's so obvious now... Pain... Never leave me again... He'll never take me into his embrace without you..."

James started to stand, backing away from the obviously _very_ traumitised boy sitting on the floor. He was clutching the air around his chest, looking like he was trying to hold on to an invisible rope. He looke down, realizing that the rope wasn't there.

"That's right... they cut it after the accident." His eyes went misty, almost as if he was about to cry, but he just shook his head, and laughed.

"They helped, and they hurt. Now they have to finish the job." He was suddenly very serious. He stood fluidly, looking around cooly. He spotted the cabinet above the sink, and went to open it.

"Diazepam, Librium. Well... Maybe..." He appeared to be thinking while looking through the rest of the drugs.

"What are you doing?" Asked James quietly, not wanting to upset Duo.

"Trying to see what they might use on me... Because in a few seconds I'm going to make you scream, and they're going to knock me on my ass. Only special shit'll do that. I don't see any here, so this may work. Now," He grinned and started to slowly walk up to the nervous lawyer. "I want you to _scream._"

He laughed.

-------------------

_Things aren't the way they were before_

-------------------

Duo tickled the man, and listened as he screamed. The man had actually thought that he was going to hurt him, after all that he went through to save him.

It was a riot.

And the Preventer guards came bursting in to see Duo apparently attacking the man,and they drew their weapons and called for a doctor.

"Step away from the man sir! We'll keep you safe!"

Duo laughed harder at that, and just 'shoo-ed' his lawyer friend over to them. He held up his hands, whistling.

"Not that this isn't fun, but you two seriously need more training. I could have killed poor Mr. Malone here, and you never would have heard a thing. Tsk tsk. What _are_ they teaching greenies these days?"

He sighed as he went to sit on the bed. Two guns trailed after him, as he sat. The nurse showed up with a syringe, and told the men to put the weapons away.

"Alright Mr. Maxwell, I'm going to sedate you. You need to be still for this, and I will not hesitate to call in more guards and make this MUCH more painful that necessary. Push me the wrong way and this goes in a VERY unplesant spot. Am I understood, Mr. Maxwell?" She held up the needle, a menacing look on her face.

"Yup." He gulped, going a little white.

"Yes Ma'am. Not 'Yup'"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Good."

He was out like a light before they came to transport him to HQ.

-------------------

_You wouldn't even recognize me anymore_

-------------------

He awoke sometime later, in a sterile white room. He was laying on a bed attatched to the wall, and noticed that there was only a door and a one-way mirror in the room. He pulled a face at the window while he sat up and tried to clear his head. This was a special room, probably inside HQ, or maybe in a hopital psyhc ward.

He ran his hand through his tangled knot of hair, and felt the slime on his teeth.

"Ugh. You'd think that they'd at least brush your hair, if nothing else. Yeesh. Can we get on with this?"

He heard the whisper-sigh of the door opening. In walked two guards and, ta-da! Une!

"What an unpleasant suprise Lady Une! How horrible to see you again!" Shut up mouth... shut up!

"Maxwell. I'm going to put this in small words so that you can understand it. Shut up before I am forced to kill you." She looked about ready to kill, so he just stared at her.

"Now. Imagine my surprise when I hear one of our famous Gundam pilots has dissapeared. He is found again, and then lost again. How does this happen? How is my security so lax as to miss him? And then I asked his friends."

An incredulous snort, with no forthcoming answer or apology.

"As I was saying, I ask his friends why he may have wanted to disappear, losing a paycheck, his friends, and everything that has been set forth to help him in any way he could possibly need it. And I found out some things that made me want to ask some more questions. I do not like unanswered questions Maxwell. Why did you feel it necessary to excuse yourself from work for those three weeks? I put up with the frequent absences because if I had pressed you to stay at work, I might have made you more reluctant to come. You are a special case, and sometimes, special cases require special circumstances. I sent some people to look for you. Then, when we offer to help you by getting some therapy, you run out after terrorizing the therapist. Next thing I hear, you're hit by a car helping out a child. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but this shuttle has skipped a few stations. What is there in between the time you ran away from us, and the time you ran into a car? And why then, seven weeks later, were you suddenly missing for two years?"

She looked at him, unblinking in the harsh light. He stared back, eyes deep pools of violet. They held no answers though.

"You ask me why, Une? You never asked my _friends_ why? They have answers for you. We've done this dance before, remember, and I'm tired of running. Let _them _explain. In their own way, they're the ones responsible."

He stared at her, as if he could see through her. And though she didn't show it, she was scared of this man. This creature was not the one she had become familiar with over the few years she had known him.

This was a whole new animal.

One that she may have helped create, unkowingly pushing him to become what he was now. He was different, quieter, less outgoing.

She stepped back, unconciously, as she saw the light in those eyes.

Such saddness... Such grief. She had read his file, knew his backround, or at least what they had found out.

Maybe she should find out more from the other pilots.

-------------------

_Not that you knew me back then_

-------------------

"Quatre, what do you know about Duo Maxwell?"

Quatre looked suprised. It was, after all, four in the morning on L4, and Une, who never called him, was asking him about Duo.

Strange didn't begin to cover it.

"Well, "He started, "Duo was always strange. He was very quiet when he was alone, but as soon as someone came into the room, he perked up, and wouldn't shut up. Umm, he roomed with Heero a bunch. When Heero self-destructed the first time, Duo took it hard. I always assumed it was becaus he had lost a friend, but I never really found out. For a while after that he was quiet all the time, only joking like his normal self after about a week or two.

"I know that he didn't go after anyone romanticly, during or after both wars. Ummm, I know that he grew up on L2, and that he had been a street-kid. He never talked about his childhood, but he got his last name from the Maxwell Massacre. I haven't talked to him for two and a half years now. Why ask about him all of a sudden?"

He almost regretted his last few words, seeing Une's face.

"So, you knew he grew up on the streets, and that he had to have been involved with the Maxwell church somehow. Alright Winner. Where is Barton?"

Quatre turned to the side and motioned for his lover to sit to talk to Une while he got some tea.

"Trowa, what do_ you _know about Maxwell?"

"He was loud, brash, distracting and annoying in the war. But it was all a front. I never dicovered what was behind it, we were never friends. He left to become a Preventer after the Eve War, and I last talked to him two days before he dissapeared the last time. Why?" He said all of this in his quiet monotone. He showed no real interest in his question, almost as if he only asked it to be polite.

"I am trying to locate him using facts we know about him now. Thank you."

She ended the call.

-------------------

_But it all comes back to me_

-------------------

"Hilde, what do you know about Duo Maxwell?"

"Well, he was from L2, like me. And we met when he tried to get to the Lunar base. Umm... I didn't know anything much about him until after the wars. He stayed here with me for a couple of weeks until he joined you guys. He was loud, and funny. He was messy sometimes, but if I left to go shopping or something, it'd always be clean when I got back. He used to talk in his sleep sometimes. Called out for a Solo and a Foxy sometimes. He'd walk down Slumside, and give out money to the kids. Not the adults, just the kids. Then I last saw him when he was in the hospital, told him about the baby and Andy. He left about three days later."

She was juggling a toddler and an infant in her arms, trying to focus on the call.

"Thank you Hilde. Nice boys. What are the names?" Une asked, trying to be polite.

"Andy and Howard. Howie's the younger." She beamed at her two children.

"Thank you for the information Hilde. Goodbye."

-------------------

_In the end_

-------------------

"Milliardo, what do you know about 02, Duo Maxwell?"

"Not much Lady, I'm sorry. I know his file, and that he was friends with Howard, the Sweeper. I think that he lived with the Sweepers for a time. He fought well, and never ran out of insults. I still remember some of the more creative ones."

She sighed on the other end of the line, but said her polite goodbyes after asking about the incoming baby.

"It's probably a girl, and we can't wait until she's here. Mainly because we're all sick of this whole pregnancy thing, but don't let Lucreza hear that..."

-------------------

_Kept everything inside_

-------------------

"Is this a Howard? Of the Sweepers?"

The gray-haired man in sunglasses looked at her, then nodded slightly.

"What do you want, Une?" He asked, unsure as to whether he should hang up or not.

"I'd like to know about Duo Maxwell." Totally calm. No emotion.

"Why should I tell you? It isn't war-time, but that doesn't mean you aren't after him."

"You are right, but I simply want to know. We're trying to find him, and we think we should be able to locate him using information that we don't have about his past." She hoped she sounded like she was telling the whole truth, not just part of it.

"Well, we found him stowing away on the ship in AC 192, and old man Pestilence got him. He trained the Kid, and when he wasn't training, Kid was helping us pull in our haul. Always had a joke ready, never stopped talking. At least around the men. I guess he thought that I was better than that, because he would talk with me. Not at me. We talked about his early years, only very breifly. He was an L2 street-brat. Grew up hand-to-mouth and in a gang. Boy couldn't take care of himself unless you gave him directions. He could survive, and he could eat. But eat healthy? Or take vitamins? Sleep proper? Never. Had to tell him where and when to eat. Couldn't eat a lot either. He was so malnurished that even G couldn't get his metabolism to normal. He couldn't eat all at one time, so he ate lots of small snacks. Told me once that the guys made fun of him, calling him a bottomless pit cuz they saw him eating all the time.

"Never gained any weight though. And boy did G try to get him to a proper level of health. After the war, he talked to me about his vitamin shots, that he didn't know what all G had put in them, so he didn't know what all he needed to get to stay the healthiest he ever was. He survived the Plague, but no one, even old man Pestilence, could tell why. So he was losing that health, and he'd call every now and again. I've been in space, floating here and there, and hadn't gotten to talk to him a lot. I miss the Kid though. Give me a holler when you find him."

He looked at the lady on the screen, watched as she took notes. She looked up, and looked like she was about to ask him something, then decided not to.

"Thank you for the information Howard, I will tell you when we find him."

'If we ever find the Maxwell you knew... He may be long dead. And no one even noticed... What horrible animals we have become.'

-------------------

_And even though I tried_

_It all fell apart_

-------------------

Une sat back at her desk, finger steepled, thinking.

_We created this. He couldn't have survived alone. And we never helped him. Yes, he could have come to us for help, but it wasn't in his nature. On the street he would have been hurt, killed even if he had asked for help. Why did we not notice this?_

She sighed. Looking over her notes. She needed to talk to the other two Pilots, maybe they had the information about his disappearance she needed to finish this puzzle called Duo Maxwell.

-------------------

_What it meant to be_

_Will eventually_

_Be a memory_

-------------------

She was almost scared of the look she got from Wu Fei when she asked about Duo.

"What do you know about Duo Maxwell?"

He sneered at the mention of the name, looking as though he had just stepped in dog shit. His dark eyes betrayed no emotions as he gave a clipped account of Maxwell in the war.

"He was loud mouthed, an idiot in all senses of the word. Though he did know his explosives, he could never keep anything quiet. He bunked with Heero multiple times, and seemed to try to get under Heero's skin more than he did the rest of us. He was obsessed with him actually. He never shared much about himself during the war, but when we were stuck in the Lunar base prision cell, right after they cut our air, he started talking about being annoyed that he couldn't finish some revenge, something about regrets to a Father and Sister. Never asked him about them later."

He seemed to think that was the end of the conversation, and turned to leave, when she barked out the order to turn around soldier.

He turned around after a second's hesitation. "I have told you all I know, and all you asked for. What more do you need to know?"

"What about after you both became Preventers? What did you find out about him then? Did you ever go out after work together? Notice any romantic interests? Anything? At all?"

"I never went out with that... him... after work, or at any time. I had more important things to do." He sneered.

"Why?" Simple question. And a hopefully simple answer.

"Because I disliked him. Very much. He was annoying, he was uncouth, and he was... ugh. He was just like those two, only less open about it. I am not against them, but I am against His Hero worship. In more than just the literal sense of the word. His utter devotion to Heero was simply disgusting."

Aha, the root of the problem.

"Right. Next review, you're expect to be reprimanded. You are to support your co-workers. Not force them into hiding. You are dismissed."

She heard, more than saw the twitch of his eye and the grumble that accompanied his swift retreat.

"Well, I guess there's only one person left..." And she thought about Wu Fei's talk of Maxwell's adoration, even attraction, to Heero.

"What a better way to hurt the ones who love you than to turn them away."

'Which is exactly what we did.'

-------------------

_Of a time _

_When I tried so hard_

-------------------

Duo sat in the room, scratching idily at the new scar on his chest. What on earth had possesed him to come here? He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Une had never liked him, especially after his break out with Heero. But did that mean that she was going to kill him? Or just send him somewhere he'd never be able to get out of?

Well, he mused, I came here to meet Death's challenge. I think that He's just waiting for me to either royally fuck up, so I'll die of embarassment; or He's waiting for me to get it right for once. I'm so sick of running. All I want to do is lay down and sleep for all eternity.

I don't want to turn on the news and see the Princess and her White Knight, I don't want to hear about people I cared about. I want to be there laughing, and talking, and caring about them like they would never care about me. I know Wu-man hates me, always has. I never made it much better by teasing him. Heero doesn't give a rat's ass about me, I know. I just... I know.

Quatre, Trowa, Hilde...

None of them.

They don't know me. They never did, and they don't ever want to.

Shinigami, hear my plea.

Take me unto thy arms, hold me close, and bring me from this fleshly grave.

-------------------

_And got so far_

-------------------

"Just shut up! For the love of anything and everything, just SHUT UP."

"That's the longest sentence you've said to anyone that wasn't the computer in five days. You're making progress. You know that the next time I'll be counting the number of nouns, to see whether or not--"

Smack.

"...Shuting up."

He smiled as he felt the sting of the slap, the blood rushing to the impact sight. He wasn't sure, but Duo guessed that Heero had held back on that one. He could bend steel, so he figured bones were no problem.

"Well, I know you're listening!"

Another smack.

"I didn't know you cared!"

A growl.

"Leaving!"

He ran, still holding a hand to the red spot on his cheek, feeling the blood pulse just below the surface of the skin.

This was what he needed, the power. The power to affect the iron control of the Perfect Soldier. The power to harness the pain of lost love.

Yes, he knew of love. He had felt love, knew it's taste. And his taste had left him hungry for more.

But he was used to hunger. It was a friend of his, following him wherever he went, dogging his heels so to speak.

He fled to the common room of the dorm they were in, quietly entering and went unnoticed into the chair by the window. He stayed there in quiet reflection until some rather boisterous boys came to play card games by the window.

"Duo, what are you doing here! We figured you'd be up at the basketball court, trying to catch some girls!" One of the boys with sandy-gold hair, reminding him of Quatre said.

"What's wrong with your cheek? Did you get hit by someone?"

"Was it a fight? Who'd you get into a fight with?"

He smiled devilishly, feeling none of his usual playfulness.

"I got a little too frisky with one of the lady-folk, and she gave me a right proper slap to put me in my place!" he swiftly conjured, telling himself that it wasn't a lie so much as a twisting of the truth. Heero _had_ put him 'in his place'.

They wolf-whistled and pestered him about who it was, but when he said that he was going to bed now, the let him be and started their card game.

He climbed the stairs to his and Heero's dorm room, but outside the door, he stopped. He laid his hand on the door, trying to feel the heat of the slap, the echo of the anger. Maybe if he could hold onto that, he could ignore this attraction, this pull of his heart.

Maybe he could cut out his heart, and still live.

He sighed, and opened the door, smiling emptily, babbling about some game he had overheard, listening to the clicking of keys. Heero turned off the laptop, brushed his teeth, and clicked out the light, without even so much as glancing at him

He was nothing.

Expendable.

-------------------

_But in the end_

-------------------

Duo stared at the window. He was sure that there was someone there. Maybe they were taping this. He should at least try. Try to look like he used to.

But I'm not who I used to be.

Why pretend anymore.

He just sat on the bed, knees drawn to his chin, head leaning against the wall as he stared silently ahead. Every now and again he would twitch, evidence of the spasms that still pained him.

A nurse came in, watching him carefully as she took his readings.

Heart, blood pressure, both normal, even and strong.

But at least once every three hours the readings changed. They spiked dangerously, heart straining to keep beating regularly after the pain wracked his frame.

But he never showed it.

He was blank.

-------------------

_It doesn't even matter_

-------------------

Une stared at him through the glass, looking for the strong, annoying young man she had come to despise during the war. Maybe if she had let go of previous perceptions, had tried to get to know him... Maybe he would still be here.

Not this shell, this hollow man. She decided to take her chances, and ask Heero.

-------------------

_I had to fall_

-------------------

"What do you know of Duo Maxwell?"

A long sigh.

Tired eyes searching hers, trying to figure her out. She stood firm, not bending to the steely blue gaze.

"He was... different. He showed me a lot during the war. He showed me what it was to live with other people, to actually have fun every now and again. I never really knew him though. He used to talk in his sleep, but only after partuicularly... taxing... missions. The kind where he'd come back covered in blood and go take a three-hour shower. He would mumble in his sleep about who I assumed were different people. He usually mentioned Father Maxwell, Helen, Solo, and the worst came from John." He stopped at a slight widening of Une's eyes. She scribbled a note on her pad, and motioned for him to go on.

"He would stifle screams in the middle of the night. I know he had his problems, but really, who among us didn't? I just thought that he would get over it, like the others, like me."

He stopped to shift a baby in his arms and check the amount of formula in the bottle.

"After the wars, he dissapeared, then came here to work for the Preventers. He seemed the same for a long time, but then, he stopped coming to work. When he came back, when I found him on that day... He told me some things...

"Scary things. They scared even me, because they were true.

"He said that he was gone for three weeks, and we didn't care enough to call him and see if he was okay. He never struck me as truly suicidal, but the threat was always there, it was with us all. And he said that he could have been dead, and we only would have found his corpse three weeks late. I've seen junkies get better treatment. I don't know where we went wrong, but he... He needed help. He ran after confessing his affection for me, and he saved that child from being hit by a car. I never saw him after that. I've looked, but with the wedding, and the kids... " He looked down, holding the child in his arms a little tighter.

"You'll tell me when you find him? If you do?"

She stared at her notes. He could tell she was trying to hide something. Trying to not look guilty. And that was hard for Lady Une.

Really, really hard.

-------------------

_To lose it all_

-------------------

"What do you know, Une? You've found him, haven't you."

She sighed.

"Ive found someone named Duo Maxwell. But it isn't the man you think it is."

She knew his next words, and she knew she couldn't deny him.

"Let me see him."

-------------------

_And in the end, it doesn't even matter_

-------------------

"I have to tell you some things first."

She waited as he passed the baby to the sitter, and grabbed a jacket to follow her.

As they walked, she talked, slowly gathering all her data together.

"We have the bare-bones file on him. I asked everyone I could about Duo AMxwell, and many stories were the same. I got some interesting facts from Howard though. If only that damn doctor were still around! Maybe he'd know what to do!"

In an uncharacteristic display of anger, she smacked a hand on the wall, breathing hard.

"I never liked him. After listening to him for eighteen hours before you broke him out, I thought about the same as you all. He was loud-mouthed, brazen, and annoying. I let the men rough him up, and I couldn't watch as they stripped and beat him. Because no matter what they did, he grinned. Not a pleasant grin. This was empty. Hollow, cold. This was the look of someone so used to treatment like this he couldn't even feel it. I've seen torture, hell, I've been on both sides. But this, this was horrible. He never made a noise, except insults in between men. They took turns."

She shuddered.

"When he came to me looking for a job, I treated him like the idiot I thought he was. I ignored him. I thought that by ignoring him, I could forget his horrible smile. But I couldn't. I let his attendance slide because in his file, he was noted by the psychiatrists to not be pressured to attend too much. Too much pressure could lead to a mental breakdown, something in his past. I never inquired, but when I asked earlier, I heard some things that made me want to puke.

"What we knew in his file, and what we knew about the man, were so different. And still, neither was complete. You knew he grew up on L2, a street kid. He was part of a gang from as early as he could remember. He survived the plague, but most of his gang died. He got sent to an Orphanage later by the Alliance, and stayed there for two years. Then, one christmas night, the church was taken over by Rebels, he went out to get a suit, and came back to the Maxwell Church Massacre. He watched 255 people die. Two were like parents."

"Father Maxwell, and Helen I assume." Was the quiet answer. She nodded grimly.

"After that, it gets hazy. Before he was caught by the Alliance, I learned from his psychiatrist that he did what he could to survive. He learned to be stealthy at an early age, which helped, but theiving only goes so far."

Heero looked at her in suprise, his eyes widening at the implications of her statement.

"He wasn't..."

"He prostituted himself to get money for food to support the remaining members of his gang."

They both looked a little dazed.

"No wonder he had dreams about it... I can't even think... I had aversion training, for torture, but to willingly... For others..."

His eyes stared ahead, lost in memories of long nights listening to muffled tears. Sobs of pain.

And he had never, not once offered to help.

He was a monster.

-------------------

_I've put my trust in you_

-------------------

"God. Sometimes, when he wouldn't be quiet, I would lose control and smack him. And looking back, I never understood the look on his face. I know what it was now. He would look at me, eyes open, almost fearful, but accepting. He was accepting that as proof of my love... God! How could I have never noticed? He just grinned at me, just smiled and kept talking..."

He stopped walking, the empty hallway echoing the emptiness of his heart.

"He wanted me to notice him, because to him, that was the only way to be loved... Was to be hurt..." He whispered.

Une looked slightly terrified at the confession.

-------------------

_Pushed as far as I can go_

-------------------

"After the church, he was caught stowing away on the Sweeper's ship, met up with Dr. G. He started to learn how to properly take care of himself. His metabolism was too low, from never eating right as a child, and his stomache was too small to eat a true meal. He was made fun of for eating snaks all the time, thought of as a pig. But the truth was that he couldn't eat any other way. G boosted his immune system with a vitamin regimin, but after the war, he was unable to get them. After the war, he went to live with Hilde for a few weeks, trying to re-learn how to live alone.

"He grew up in a gang, where you never took care of just yourself. As a higher member, he probably gave his food to the younger kids, taking only what was necessary to survive. After that, he was hand-to-mouth, until the Orphanage. But that was not enough, and after the Sweepers, he was back to grouping again."

Heero interrupted her here, holding up a hand to stem the flow of words.

"He never was good at keeping himself fed, and we did make comments to that fact. I understand the group bit, but why wouldn't he try to live in the barracks or something? That would have made sense."

"Heero, how would you like to live with a bunch of men, generally at least five years older than you, who see you still as a terrorist?"

Heero looked sheepish.

"Exactly. Now, he got the job, and lived alone. When we got him here after his three-week stint, he was severly malnurished, and it showed that it was more than from just the three weeks. He hadn't been doing well before then either. All we know is that he was weak, and probably suicidal. You and Wu Fei rejecting him, after not even talking to him? And Quatre and Trowa... All of us. We are all to blame for this man.

"He is...

"He is not who we ever thought him to be."

She stopped outside of the psych ward in the hospital section of HQ.

She looked him up and down, as though measuring him.

-------------------

_For all this_

-------------------

"Here, you'll only get to see him though the glass, but trust me. That's all you need." She stepped away from the door, letting him slowly reach out to twist the knob. The door swung inwards, showing a darkened room, with several monitors, and a window to a light-filled room. He stepped in, and his heart sank at the sight.

True, he had never been friends with the man in that room, and no, he had never loved him.

But they had been comrades.

Allies.

They had bunked together, and killed together. Gotten into and out of dangerous situations.

And all he could think of when he saw Duo, was that he should have.

He should have gotten to know the vibrant youth, even if it had only been a facade. Simply because this was a heartbreaking sight.

A once proud, fearless, brave soldier. One who labeled himself "Shinigami." God of Death.

Sitting on a bed, staring into nothing. Watching his life roll past his eyes on a screen only he could see.

And even though Heero knew, _knew_ that Duo couldn't see him, he felt those eyes look right through him.

Judge him.

And he watched as they darkened, briefly, stress lines showing round the large eyes, and tightly-lipped mouth.

That mouth that had hardly ever been closed, now seemingly unable to open.

------------------

_There's only one thing you should know..._

-------------------

The monitors beeped shrilly, quieting after a few seconds.

"What was that?"

"Well, we think that he's been having tiny seizures from the accedent, and now that he's been under so much stress, they seem to be getting worse. We can't treat him for it until we stop the antibiotics course he's on for the gunshot wound."

"Gunshot wound?"

"Yes, I apparently didn't tell you _how_ we found him. He's been going by the name of Solomon Maxwell, aka Solo Maxwell. He's been living in New York for quite a while. He was shot two weeks ago, saving a lawyer from an assasin. James Malone works high clearance cases, and so he called us. We saw a picture of 'Solo' and we recognized him as Duo. We went to get him, and he was apparently trying to escape when we knocked him out and brought him here. He's been like this ever since."

Heero looked at the figure on the bed, trying to figure out where the loud-mouthed bundle of energy had dissapeared to.

"I wonder how he found the energy to act like that all the time. It must have been exauhsting."

He noticed sudennly that Duo's lips were moving. Very subtly, but just enough to almost make out the words.

"Is there any sound in there?"

Une looked at him oddly, but turned up the speakers. He could hear it, just barely, the litany pouring from the man's mouth.

"Shinigami, hear my plea. Take me unto thy arms, hold me close, and bring me from this fleshly grave...Shinigami, hear my plea. Take me unto thy arms, hold me close, and bring me from this fleshly grave..."

It repeated over and over.

He stepped back, puzzling over the meaning of the words, trying to find the logic, the sense behind them.

"He wants to die... The only reason he's even here, is to die."

And he knew it was true.

-------------------

_I put my turst in you_

_Pushed as far as I can go_

-------------------

"Did he have any belongings? Anything with him?"

Une pointed to a bag on the desk.

"We've looked through all of it, it's a journal, a gun, two knives, and a digital MP3 player."

"Music has a lot of meaning to the Duo I knew. He listened to songs, trying to explain the meanings to me. I never really understood until after Relena and I got married. Sometimes it's all in what's right in front of you."

He looked through the notebook, scanning the poems and entries, the drawings.

He stopped at an enrty dated two weeks ago, probably on the day of the shooting.

There was a poem there, one that had several parts to it. And he could almost feel Duo writing it to them. To them all.

-------------------

_For all this_

_There's only one thing you should know_

-------------------

"I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I had to fall, to lose it all,

But in the end, it doesn't even matter."

Une looked confused, but gasped at the sight before her.

Duo was standing at the window, hand to the glass. He was staring straight at them, smiling.

Not his cold, fake smile.

A true, loving smile.

"Knew you'd come Heero. How's the Misses? Any changes in the little ones? Good to know. I really will miss you. I have for a long time now. You too Lady Une. There's only one thing you should know... I tried so hard to be everything you wanted. Everything everyone needed. I was a good gang leader, but they still died. I tried to be a good kid for the Church, and they all died. At least it won't happen to you. He takes everything I love, and laughs as I die inside. But he won't take you Heero. He won't have you, or Quatre, or Trowa, or even Wu Fei. Not Sally, or Une or Zechs, Noin, Hilde. None of you. He's finally going to get it right.

"I'll miss you..."

-------------------

_I tried so hard, and got so far_

_But in the end, it doesn't even matter_

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter..._

-------------------

There were three people at the funeral for Duo Maxwell.

No tears were shed, no eulogy. A simple farewell, and a smile on their faces, because they knew...

They knew he was with the ones he loved. The ones who had loved him too.

He was alright now.

Une, Heero, and James all left the cemetary together.

They never looked back. Never saw the brilliant thousand-watt smile fade into the sunlight.

Somewhere, someday, they would remember him, would look back and remember someone funny. Someone who never shut up, was always the joker. And they would understand the importance.

They would understand...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fin)

Finally, my GOD. I thought I'd never finish. Three days. I was supposed to write an essay for english, but this came out instead. I had no idea where it was origionaly going to go, but it ended up here somehow. So, like it or lump it. Please review, at least tell me whether it should just get taken off the site or not.

Thanks.


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